Solstice

We had a lovely Solstice. It was quiet compared to past Solstices. But, then there are three of us. There have been more. This Solstice was very nice. Connected, and purposeful. Purpose Full. We had a ritual which was going to be public and then in the planning session we decided not to do a public ritual. It was just what we needed. Divine Intervention and all. We tranced to our place of power. For one of us this was her first group trance. Like participatory group trance. She wasn't scared at all. I've been invovled with group trance that took hours and hours and hours just to get started because someone wasn't sure they were ready. She's bold though. She came to one Reclaiming ritual and she said I've found what I was looking for. I was pleased. Like someone praising your child. My child. I have nurtured and cradled the spark for so long, it is so very nice to have others helping to gently blow on the spark and maybe it will flame forth now and not just be kept from going out. I've been holding space for so long. I was weary. I wanted this ritual not to be public because I didn't have the strength to keep doing what I was doing. Funny, that. You hold on until you have reached the end of your rope and find there is someone there to catch you. Nice.

Changes

This has been the year for awakenings. Okay, already. I'm up. I'm up. I have been really doing some hard work. It's hard because it requires me to be really honest with myself and with others. And the learning curve has been a bitch too. I'm not sure I wanted to learn quite this much this year. But, these things come wrapped up in quests for clarity and honsety and freedom. I can't be free unless I am honest and clear up the past. Not that I've never done that before. But, this year has been very enlightening. And really, much of it was stuff that I could see already but was not addressing. Apparently, working with clarity and honesty requires addressing this stuff. Being honest with people. Asking for help and then doing the work. Yep, this is all a bit cryptic without the real facts. So, the newest facts are these:
I got a new sponsor - who requires actual work from me even though I worked all the steps already.
I got a new home group. One that is not involved in fighting each other and airing opinions on other people's beliefs or lifestyles. One where there are NOT two sides and you WILL be assigned a side. Like it or not. I was assigned to the left-wing side since I'm a lesbian and a witch. That's just not right-wing material. These things may set me apart in many places but in A.A. they should not be an issue for the group. If they are...I need to find a new group. See, I told two friends last Summer that I was looking for a new home group. They said, *Oh no, please don't leave. We need you. Our side is winning.* I should have said, *What side? Winning what?* But I did not. It was easier to stay and I wanted to be accepted and *needed*. So, I stayed. I got crazier and crazier. I KNEW that this was not the group where I would share anything really important. I knew I did not really trust anyone there. Even the two women whom I stayed for. Cause I KNEW they had an agenda. I just wasn't clear what it was. Now, I'm a little clearer on that. I believe it is personal between at least one of them and another couple in the group. They rejoiced when sponsees left the woman they don't like. (This is the same woman who told me being a lesbian was going to get me drunk and a few other things...so I had reasons to play along...not healthy ones, but reasons.) I can't be a part of this war they have going. There are no factions in A.A. *Principles above personalities*. The principles went out the window a long time ago and no one has missed them yet. They are all too busy defending themselves cause they're at war and all. It ain't my war. I'm not fighting. The Big Book says we ceased fighting anyone or anything. I get waves of peace when I realize I don't have to worry about defending my lifestyle or my beliefs. In my new home group, my beliefs are my own...no one else's business. And my lifestyle is not an issue. The only issue is recovery. That's what A.A. is about.
Now, to figure out a sane and helpful way to tell my old group that I'm leaving. And my old sponsor. I don't want to create any more issues, they have enough. But, I do want to be honest. This will be hard. There may be tears involved.

epiphany

I made a discovery yesterday. Well, actually it was more of an epiphany. I realized that my fear of intense, sad emotions comes from that experience with my former sponsor. See, my theory is that I was in a depression after she told me being lesbian was not normal and was going to get me drunk. Makes perfect sense to me that hearing that from someone I thought was not only my sponsor but my best friend of eight years would leave a few scars. But I never realized until recently how deeply I was hurt and how far I went to stop the pain. I think that after I began to see the light of day again I was so fearful of being caught up in the pain and sadness again that I recoiled from ANYTHING that looked like sad. I had no idea. Really. Which I consider to be amazing, cause if you'd have asked me about it I would have told you. If I trusted you...I might have told you the whole sordid story. But, therein lies the problem. After that happened I trusted no one. I told no one what was going on. My Deep Self went into hiding for a long time. She was terrified of being hurt again. I do hope that if something like that would happen again I would have the presence and sense of self to say, *Fuck you. It's none of your business.* and not let it take me so far down. But, the thing is, it wasn't just what was said, but who said it. For fuck sake, the woman was my SPONSOR! For eight years!! I had no indication that she felt that way. No wonder I'm so big on honesty now. If you don't like my slifestyle, tell me before we start a relationship. Before I get tangled up in caring what you think. Just so ya know, my sponsor now is far more open and I am not her only lesbian sponsee. I checked that and her out for a long time before I asked. And just in case, I have a gay man as a second sponsor. Just in case there should be another scene in which I am attacked for who I am. Yep, better safe than sorry. Plus, he's got more time than my other sponsor. Huh! No, I am not as naive or as trusting as I once was. File that one under *Live and Learn*. Unfortuantely I was hurt so badly that it took me eight years to come to grips with it. Probably for the best. I didn't start to work on this until I had a new support system and even then it took about a year to work it's way to the surface. Was that my subconscious protecting me or just me being in denial. Perhaps a little of both. I couldn't start to work on this until I had started to try and trust people again and realized that I didn't. I thought I was pretty trusting. No, I was just surface friendly. I still am. I'll pretty much talk to anybody. But it took a lot of work to start to share what was really going on and what had happened to damage my trust. After all, I had shared my whole life with this woman and she informed me that I was not normal and would get drunk unless I *just found a guy and got laid*. Really. Well, here I am with 16 years and 10 months sober. That's 8 years and 10 months since she told me my lifestyle would get me drunk! So, HA!

ramblings of a deranged sane person

So Mystery School is almost over. There is one last part of the story and workbook. I have not posted for a while on the lists and I have not finished the story I was writing. I might, but not in time. It was too painful. Plus, as I found out, I had other things I needed to work on. Those things are works in progress. They came as messages/tasks from the Goddess and so ought not be ignored. If you ignore them, they will bite you in the ass. Although they were difficult tasks wherein I had to look at some parts of myself that I would rather have not, the work has been good. Good for me and good to me. This is an advantage of doing it when called and not putting it off. The time was right, I was ready. It has been freeing. So, a few less secrets, a few less skeletons, at least, that no one knows about. It simplifies things so much. Yes, things are simpler now. I remembered who I was and it is good.

Time

So, I've been very, very busy. No, not like work busy or running around busy - although I have been hitting a lot of meetings lately. A few more than usual. That was to counteract the idea that I don't fit in anywhere. That usually works pretty well. I did have one experience since my last post where a meeting didn't really work in that instance. Had a guy at a meeting tell me I didn't look like a lesbian. What?! I forgot to don the uniform? It's a requirement? I mostly blew it off. He only has a year. Stupid things can come out of people's mouths. Besides, it's not really his business, now, is it? So, I moved on from there...well, I did think it was important enough to mention...so let's say, I was in a fragile state but I am moving on from there. I could have said you don't look gay but I have some control over my tongue now. Some.

Anyway, I realized lately how long things actually take to work out, process, whatever you want to call it. I may have mentioned an issue I had with the sponsor I had for eight years (and I may not have). It was one of the worst experiences of my life. She told me that my lifestyle choice was not normal and it was going to get me drunk. I should just find a nice guy. It was not said as calmly as it is read here. It was said in a tirade in which she threw at me everything that was in my 5th step. (That's where you tell your Higher Power and another human being *the exact nature of your wrongs*.) Ypou know, the people you hurt, all the dishonest crap, everything that stands between you and *may the past be clean behind me* kind of stuff. Well, fuck man, I wanted to get sober and stay that way, so I told her all the stuff that was written in my 4th step. (mostly the same stuff, but this is where you fighure out who, what, why, and get an idea of who will be in your 8th and 9th steps. harms and amends) So, there it was. All that stuff being brought up and used against me. I had made my amends long before. I was eight years sober at the time she did this. I had learned to listen to what she had to say. For the most part, even when I didn't want to hear it, it was what I needed to hear. So, I sat and listened to this and I let is wash over me in waves and sink into my bones. I didn't realize this at the time. I was far too shocked. But, sink in it did. Even though I stopped talking to her and stopped going to meetings the damage was already done. Words can be so damaging. I was hurt and angry which I knew at the time. But, what I did not realize until just recently was just how deeply her words had penetrated my soul. After the hurt and anger, and before the grief, I just went numb. I had lost my support system. I think numb was probably the best choice for survival. I stayed sober to *show her* that it could be done. She made amends a few years later saying she was out of line. And I thought all was well. But no, a couple of years ago, I was walking down West Carson Street, a *crunchy, granola section of Pittsburgh and found myself thinking about all the bars that were new, that I has never been in and thinking maybe I jusmped the gun on this whole being an alcoholic thing (this was 14 years sober) so, I thought it might be a good idea to find a meeting. So I did. The only *alternative* meeting on my side of town and started going regularly. I liked the people there and they were friendly and all and so I made it my home group. Well, shortly after that, I find that my old sponsor (yep, that one) and her husband go to this meeting regularly. They had been up in the mountains for the Summer. WHY ARE THEY AT AN ALTERNATIVE MEETING??? Well, it would seem that they are so obnoxious that it is the only meeting where people will be tolerant of them...up to a point. So, I had to decide if I run away because they are there or stay because I like the rest of the people. It took me years to realize just how hard it is for me to stay there. I do go to other meetings. I have a new support system which does not include them. Yet, her very presence was enough to bring everything back. And I realized that I was so hurt that I froze the process befor it was finished. It was just too painful. Another eight years down the road and I have to finish this or shut it down again. Well, I didn't feel like it bit me in the ass or anything, it flet very organic and it seemed like the time was right to finish this. So, that's what I've been doing. Time. It was probably the best way this could have happened. Eight years later. It seems so crazy that it took eight years, but time is like that. And you'll know when it's time.

click on the link to the post before this one to read it...it comes up lighter. Doy!

And so it goes

I am in the midst of healing. Much healing. Healing is painful and itchy. But these itches are in places that one cannot easily scratch. Like they aren't physical places. Many years ago I had a dear and intimate friend with whom I shared everything. My life, my soul, the bright and the dark. I had never had such a close and intimate relationship ever before in my life. It was a heady experience. Perhaps I shared too much, perhaps not enough, perhaps it didn't matter. Perhaps I was not the problem; what I did or did not do. Nonetheless, at the end, she used everything she knew about me to tear me open. She did not tell anyone else. She kept my confidence, then. But she tore me into little shreds and scattered me about the room. She attacked my sex life, my deepest secrets were bandied about and made light of, made to seem like defects instead of the wounds or personal parts of me that they are. This was a loved and trusted friend. I know this sounds petty and childish...at least to me. it was a long time ago. But, I have never trusted anyone with a confidence since. Nothing that wasn't already public knowledge or that I was reasonably sure I could stand to have made fun of or made light of or turned on me in wome unforseen way. Yes, this does limit relationships. But, I was so wounded by her behaviour that it has taken me 8 years to be able to admit that. To move from, *What a fucking bitch.* to *That really hurt me.* Do I think she did that intentionally? Do I think she set me up? No, I do not. Which is the single most important fact about the whole situation. She was not a malicious person. She did not set out to hurt me like that. I don't even think she meant it to hurt like it did at the time. I think I was just in the right place at the right time and I was the one who caught the full blast of whatever the hell was going on with her. She wasn't even angry at me. I still don't know what happened. She blamed it on SAD. That's nice. You have a name for what you have. All I have are lots of open wounds. Wounds that hurt so bad there weren't even tears for them. I knew that if the tears started they would never stop. That's why I needed 8 years between the hurt and the healing. It took that long for the wounds to close enough to be able to look at them. Like when you hurt yourself and you know it's bad and you know if you look at it you'll pass out. Like that.

the joy of living

I have made some amazing discoveries lately. No, not lost cities. Just lost Marjies. I have been doing some really difficult work. The kind where you can't really explain what you are doing because it is so fucking internal that no one gets it but you. I tried to tell a few people but, it just wasn't that important to them. It was my work and it was that important only to me. It started as working with/for clarity. I was just not very fucking happy and the Big Book tells me that when I am not happy there is something wrong with ME. So, since I had no clue what that might be...I started with clarity. Which turned into working with honesty. Yep. Being honest with myself came first. Kinda hit me hard, like a punch because I didn't realize I wasn't being honest with myself. After that, there was an amends I needed to make wherein I dragged another person into my self dishonesty (that's a whole 'nother blog) and hurt them. Then, I made this awesome discovery. Honesty leads to freedom which leads to peace, serenity, joy. I found that I wanted to live. The work was worth the price.
I discovered that running from yourself is really hard work and takes a lot of energy and sucks all the joy from life. When I stopped running I found my *still place in my belly* and peace. And a weight was lifted from me that I didn't even realize I was carrying. I thought i had it all worked out in a way that made everybody happy. Everybody but me. I was miserable.
Now, from clarity to honesty to freedom to joy. Let me remember this feeling in my bones. And the nastiness of dishonesty. Lest I forget how much dishonesty hurts and how hard it is to carry around.

In Process

Yep. More will be revealed. I am still processing this new and insightful (strangely - since I've known about this most of my life) information. I don't know if this *new* insight is real or a reaction to some nasty experiences in the past. That is part of my work I guess. Or, the nasty experiences of the past happened because I was trying to force something that wasn't what I really wanted. Surrender and let it happen.

Wow. I was just sitting around not really doing anything when it hit me. Came out of left field. Not that I was unaware of the subject/situation. I've been aware of it since I was 11 years old. But, it was one of those situations where I decided not to decide anything. Not to eliminate any of the *possiblities* or half the population, as a friend of mine says. But, as is wont to happen with me...the situation became clear in an instant. And a stone was lifted from me. A stone that was far heavier than I knew. Well, I'd been lugging it around since I was 11, I gotten used to it's weight. I didn't realize how heavy it was until it was gone. I'm lighter now. I'm still not actually deciding anything. But I don't think that was what the situation called for. It just called for an honest admition of the truth. I've been as truthful as I know how to be, with myself. I didn't fare so well on the other people side. I was asked a point blank question this evening and gave a non answer. The question caused me to doubt myself...big flaw...and I caved. I'll work on that.

Breathing Health

There has been illness aplenty in my near and dear lately. I took my brother to the emergency room with a staph infection in his leg...not that we knew that...but it was red and swollen and he had a wound that would not heal. A big one. Strated as a pimple.
My cousin has been in the hospital for three weeks with intestinal obstructions. One, they could not find. She may still have surgery.
And one of my dearest friends has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and will be having surgery, etc. on the 12th.
So, I've been working on sending energy to them and on paying attention to my own health, which is excellent. I'd like to keep it that way.I don't think health is accidental.

oneupmanship

I have been doing some intense work lately. This is not it. This is just something that bugs me.
Oneupmanship in spiritual practice.
This is waht it sounds like and sometimes what is actually said:
My work is deeper than yours.
My coven is better, stronger, darker, etc. than yours.
We're more connected; on a deeper level.
My work is too mysterious to explain.
My work must be better because it comes with an insanity warning label. Yours only suggests that you get professional help if you need it. (Well, what's more sane? Addressing the problem or letting the insane person dive deeper into insanity...cause if you're really insane you won't be the first one to say so.)

My issue is that ALL the work we do is as deep as we let it be. We have more control over this than some would like to think. But, then they are the ones looking for the *magic pill*. There ain't no magic pill. *It works if you work it.* Regardless. If your not able to do the work some part of you will resist it...until you are able. It's not about a name. And if you're bragging about how *deep* your work is...well you've raised my suspions right there. When my work is at it's deepest I'm at my quietest. I'm not running around telling people how deep my work is. I'm just BEING in awe of the Goddess, the forces of the universe, and how it all works together.

Rant over. I feel better now. This has been brewing for a long time.

Eulogy

Missie, my little dog died today. She was going for a few weeks. The vet could not find anything wrong with her. But she quit eating and drinking...despite my best efforts to tempt her. She quit moving. She spent her days and nights curled on her little bed. She was named Mischief but called Missie. She was a BAD puppy, but she grew into a GREAT dog. She had more courage than dogs four times her size. She was sweet and fiesty and neurotic and a ball of energy. I loved her.

How I Came To Be Reclaiming or Liberation Psychotherapy in Action

This came up, for me, at least, last night at coffee. I got derailed because I said something about not looking for change or transition. And that's partly true. I wasn't *looking* to *change* so much as I was looking for that elusive *spiritual experience* or *spiritual awakening*. I HAD to have a spirituality that worked for my program to keep working...so in a way I was reaching for change, transformation or looking for the spirituality that would allow the transforming which had already begun to continue. BUT, I had come FINALLY to a place where I wasn't looking for a *fix* for things I hated about me. I liked me, which IMO allowed me to find that which I was looking for.
My search was long and very interesting (it actually began at the age of 12 got off track for a few years and...) I already knew what I didn't want because I had tried that. I found that some brands of Christianity didn't work with the 12 steps (for me anyway). Or, they tried to Christianize them so as not to upset the applecart of their own beliefs. BECAUSE, if the 12 steps work while one's Higher Power is human or an inamimate object, then, that says something scary about this whole thing that many Christians of my acquaintance can't accept.
Not being a sheep was big in my childhood home. And I was taught to look, read, and gather information, with a critcal eye. THINK and come to my own conclusions. This got me into trouble with every variety of established religion of which I have experience.
On my circuitous quest for a spirituality that works I tried every variety of established faith of which I knew. But, I never found the peace and serenity within them that was a part of what I was searching for. I didn't find it - not because it wasn't there - but because it must come from within. I found it when I abandoned my quest and turned within. Granted, that sounds like a dangerous situation. But it didn't FEEL dangerous. Ot felt freeing. I wasn't searching for some elusive *thing* anymore. Some quality or feeling that everyone but me could find. I reached a place where I was able to be with me, in the place where I was, and go on from there. That's when things really began to change. I found books like The Spiral Dance and Drawing Down the Moon while casually browsing library and bookstore shelves. I hadn't stopped practising SOME form of spirituality, understand. I had just stopped my quest and stopped fighting. The form of spirituality that I needed would grow from where I was.
It must have looked vey chaotic from the outside - formless. And I had very little ability to explain in words what I was doing. It was a spirituality of doing, not saying. But I had one guiding principle: If this (these) actions/practises bring me peace then I will keep them. If not, I will discard them. That was/is the foundation stone upon which I built.
Don't think for a moment that my spirituality brings only peace and serenity. I had already reached an understanding that these are the rewards for walking through the fore. I have also learned that this is an action realted to humility. Humility allows me to reach for the changes/tansformations which will lead to peace and serenity before sagnation/denial leads to some crisis. And then, the cycle begins again...or you're dead and a different cycle begins.

workings

So, here I am in the blog that few read...that's a good thing because I can just say what ai need to say and not too many people will tell me about it.
I've been very busy lately. Not so you would notice...not in a running around kind of way. I've been busy in an inside kind of way. Doing my work, so to speak. Working my program and all. It became painfully apparent lately, that I needed to do that. Not that I thought I wasn't, but I was missing a few pieces of the puzzle. Pieces that made things fit. Like, I had slipped back into some nasty codependent behaviour patterns and they were making me nuts for months but, I only just figured out what the hell was going on. I thought it was them, not me. So silly. I forgot that the only person I can change is me. I let all the chaos back into my life. It had been so long, years and years, that I forgot what it looked like. I forgot how to say no and not give excuses or feel guilty. I remember now. I felt really stupid for forgetting these things. But, then, the people I let catch me up in the chaos don't know any other way. And the first few times, were times I thought were really things I needed to do. For me and for them. And then, it fell apart and I fell head long into the chaos and craziness.
I'm back and I'm okay. Tonight, one of the main characters in the craziness said, *I have bad news for our group!* The look on his face was serious! So, we asked, *What?* He said, *Our barista is leaving!*
Okay, so she's a good barista. But, let's face it, it's a deadend job. So, she's leaving. She's a barista. She's not the only one and she's training replacements. Not a big deal. We told him so. He was crushed. And pissed. Oh, well. Yep. I'm back. I'm a mean old bitch and I practise my ways. Usually, I enjoy it too. I have to be careful because I can enjoy it a little too much. I forget to be compassionate as well as a mean old bitch. No blood, no bandaid.

And then there was the first meeting of the book study that started tonight. Since many of the people are new, it was decided that we would study The Spiral Dance. Give them a nice solid start. It gave me a good dose of frustration. Yep, I was pissed at most of them. They either didn't read the first chapter, couldn't comprehend what they read or had no opinion on it. Or, all of the above. Everyone had the book. Everyone professes to being able to read. I have *book talks* with 5 year olds! Granted, there aren't any pictures to stimulate conversation, but, I was hoping we wouldn't need them. It was frustrating because some peoplewanted to discuss the book and others were having their won converstaions and they kept moving in and out of the conversation. No staying on track. I really didn't want to set this up as a leader/class situation. I wanted it to be more informal. Does that have to mean chaotic? We'll see how it goes but, I think we may need to rethink this or talk about behaviour. Cause they all said they wanted to do this and the folks who didn't own the book bought it...even though they didn't read it. So...do they? Cause it only works if we read the book before we try to talk about it.

anger in ritual

I am trying to process something that happened at our Mabon ritual last Saturday. I would rather NOT think that Chris was accidentally aspecting Hades. I'm not sure I even think that;s possible. The unintentional part. Here's why. He is very angry with me for sort of cutting him off. We had a seriously enmeshed relationship and I had to stop. I just could not go on like that. He was angry at me the day of the ritual because I wouldn't pick him up and he had to take the bus. So, he did not bring any of the things he was supposed to bring to ritual. Being bitchy. I should have had a heads up then. But, I was kinda busy with the whole *hosting ritual for a bunch of other people* thing and I wasn't paying attention to just how pissed off he was.

So, then there was the actual ritual. Which he thought sucked. I did not think so. But, I had a few other perceptions which did not mesh with his as well. I had the most violent emotional reaction to what he said to the girl who was acting the part of Persephone. (We acted out the myth in ritual.) If I had not been one of the co-priestesses I would have walked out! I wanted to HURT him! Really. And the scary thing is, I used to behave in just that way. I have not physically or emotionally hurt anyone in a long while so the urge to do so was QUITE disturbing. He grabbed *Persephone's wrist and when she tried to pull her wrist away, he would not let go. And my reaction was so intense I DO NOT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HE SAID! Only how I felt while he was saying it.
Then there was the grabbing the hands of the people on either side of him and trying to swing them back and froth to force them to raise energy. What kind of energy would that have been. I told him to stop. The participants were freaked out. No other group around here raises energy and these people had never been to a Reclaiming ritual. I don't really know what happened but I felt threatened and violated and I KNEW what was going on. Maybe that's why. Maybe ignorance IS bliss.
See, thing is, I've been in ritual with experienced priestesses who were TRYING to mes with my head and I have not been freaked out. I have never felt the desire to walk out of ritual. WTF?
Still processing.

gifts from the dead

I was pleased, at first, when some of my beloved dead arrived. Then I was perplexed. Now, I am offering thanks for their gifts. Advice, suggestions really.
*Know my strength
*Be creative
*Activate passion
*Align with my inner wisdom through sloitude and trust (in myself and renewed sense of hope in life. A renewed openess to possibilities - "continuous change and infinite possiblities")

They came to help me set boundaries around myself and give perspective. Guess I needed more help with those boundaries than I suspected. I should have known when my body began to get in on the action. I'm glad they're here. I don't feel like I'm losing my mind anymore.

"I know my own mind and it's around here somewhere."

I see dead people?

I have mentioned that I've been haunted lately. I know I have. I know a lot of dead people. It was making me a little crazy. I was frustrated. The dead were frustrated. How do you frustrate the dead? Don't listen! What do they want? I asked around. I'm a witch! Ask them what they want! So, I did. The dead have a different perspective. This may not come as a revelation to anyone but me but these were not the healthiest people when they were alive. Death changes that. They were here to share their perspective and help me work with my strengths. Work with my deep knowledge. In quiet and solitude. So not me! And some other crap I've been working on. I must always slam myself against a brick wall for a bit before a solution dawns on me. Feeling relieved but bruised.

So, do ya'll have beloved dead that just seem to want to hang out and kibbutz? I do. I could just be weird. It has been suggested before. But there must be more to it.

So, I am just really excited. See, when the housemates from hell moved in I had to move my computer and all the crap that goes with it. Well, I could not find the drivers for my scanner after that. Its been seven months. I have been quite disturbed by the icon for the nonworking scanner. Well, today, in the midst of cleaning my room (read: *This mess is so big and so wide and so tall we can not clean it up. There is no way at all.* Well, I did and without the *help* of
Thing 1 and Thing 2.) I found it in a pile of papers, in the plastic bag with the instructions and the bill and all the necessary stuff. It is now a functioning scanner and not just another bit a equipment that collects dust.

Visitors

Infinite possibilities! Indeed. Breathe into that. I dare you! I dared me! Gods, what a journey!

And here it is only early September and my beloved dead are already crowding in. Make hay while the sun shines!?? Does this bode well or.... It feels right. I was told by a friend to tell them to go. That they are tortured souls and I'm not tortured anymore. They don't seem tortured either. I never said I had poltergeists! Just house guests. They were frequent house guests when they were alive. So.... At least they don't cook or leave their crap scattered all over the house. Just all over my head! But, it feels comforting to have them around. Their presence brings me joy and a nice warm feeling. A calm. We did love each other. The best we knew how. And the fact that I am still among the living brings me gratitude. Given that this particluar lot of beloved dead has never visited enmasse before leads me to believe that they have a purpose. What, aside form lots of memories, I don't know yet. We'll just see where that goes.

So many changes have taken place over the last few months. Friends gone. Coven died a natural death. Well, I helped it along a little with the phrase, *I'm not comfortable working magic with you.* So, perhaps, a little euthanasia to end it's suffering. It was going before. Silly to pretend it was healthy. We had already stopped working together. No one had voiced it, though. So....

Old relationships over, new ones on the horizon. I am remarkably sane given the path I've been on. Or, perhaps, because of the path I've been on. There is no easier, softer way. Like *The Bear Hunt* no way out or onwards but through. There may be some residual drama left over. But, I choose not to participate. I've made chiooces based on my own integrity (which means *wholeness* BTW) and my own physical, mental, and spiritual health. I don't play around with that. I can't. Sometimes it takes me a while to catch on, all that tolerance and inherent value and all. Not that tolerance and inherent value ore bad as values go. No, no. They are right up there with what I aspire to be when I grow up. But there comes a time when I must hold my boundaries and let other people be who they are and do what they do outside of them (my boundaries).
This does not preclude loving them. No, indeed, it does not. I love them dearly and always will. But, love that coddles weakness in others does not strengthen the giver or the receiver. It damages everyone in the end. So, here's to repairing the damage and healing the wounds!

Journeys

As may be apparent from previous blogs, I have been on a journey. Not to a *place* but to a...different level of being, of awareness. It has been a journey into the dark. A journey I would not trade or alter. It has given me such valuable mementos. Yes, I had the opportunity to pick up a few souveniers on my trip.
I got the one where I learned to listen, really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Cause if I don't, it lets me know!
I got the one where I realised that the Goddess was there the whole time; a witness and a support but not easing anything I needed to experience, not *saving* me. Allowing me to do my own learning and growing. I felt *held* but I knew the work was mine to do.
I have brought back with me a knowledge of how fragile I can be and that it doesn't actually mean I am weak.
I have a new awareness of my motives in relationships. Now whether or not I can put that information to go use or not remains to be seen.
This was not a journey I would have embarked on gleefully but it was very useful and I am grateful for the experience. I find myself in a sea of calmness today. I needed that calmness and was surprised by it. I had to have a conversation with Chris. It was important that I get some information that I needed to set clear boundaries and I really needed for myslef to ask him to sort out the lies from the truth. Well, in as far as he can be trusted, he did. I am inclined to believe him because it would have served him better to say they were all lies. Which he did not. And this information is vital in setting boundaries that I can live with. Like, is he welcome in my house? No, I do not entertain active addicts in my home. I do not! Is he still my friend? Yes, but there must be a new distance between us. I can not and will not play games with him. I am not going to stand around and watch while he explodes. But, I can allow him to make his own choices and learn his own lessons and still love him. Right now, he does not understand why my love feels different to him. The boundaries have been reset. They feel cold.

And something else:
A line from a chant: We dare to call her to our lives.
Dancing changing we are.

We've had a lot of explosive rituals ever since last Samhain. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just noticing. I don't think we're done yet. I know this situation isn't done. (with Chris) And it leads into this. I was surprised by the grief that followed his announcement and the visions of all the dead addicts in my life. Each one has been present ever since he went back out. See, the love that I have for him will be a love that is really painful until this is resolved either by his death or his recovery. That may sound harsh but I think that is why these beloved dead have been haunting me. For what purpose, though? To help me perpare for his death? To help me remember just why I have set such stringent boundaries? As a reminder for me? I don't know, but they continue to swirl and share their pain. And I loved them too. Perhaps to remind me that love is not always enough. I hope they will further enlighten me soon.

Truth, Dare, Walk

So many things have changed/happened in such a short time. I am a bit boggled at the moment and trying to sort it all into the right useful piles.
Recovery
Co-dependence
Self-care
The committee in my head
See, I really had no idea that I would react this way. I was relieved when Chris said he didn't need a sponsor. I was in way too deep and I couldn't find my way out. So, he opened the door. I didn't like that he's drinking again but, from my own perspective, it was a relief. But, then everything shifted and it was so not about him at all. What the hell was I doing all this time? So much shit came down at once. You name a category and I had something undealt with to put in. Well, my pet phrase about diving under the wave only works if you see it coming. I, apparently, had no idea I was even in the water. Knocked on my ass doesn't really cover it. Looking at behavior I would have sworn I wasn't doing, looking at behavior and actions that I find appalling. Thought I had worked that all out years ago. Hmm, what do I always say? It always comes back, its just different. So, can it be so different that you don't recognize it at all? Yes! My shit, anyway. And then there was the fucking scary, violent physical reaction I had to the shit I was dealing with. Guess there was some impovement or my body would not have reacted so vioently. It/she would have figured: Business as usual.
And then there was the crap that I figured I would never actually deal with. Looked at it, acknowledged its presence, and decided I wasn't going to deal with it, probably ever. Wrong! What fun!
Hope I don't need to have this much fun for a really long time!

Well, Monday was better than Sunday and today was better than yesterday. Although, yesterday when I heard friends say things like, *Why didn't you call me?* and *I always want to hear your crap.* I felt loved. I keep breathing and one breath at a time I move away from grief into anger. At least there is more energy in anger than in grief. But, it does not consume my day or my thoughts. I feel it, I give it words if I can and I breathe. I will move on. I will find a way to be able to be open and helpful and yet I am afraid there will always be a detachment, a protection, I hope not. But, it would seem only natural. Yes? Having had this experience should make me wiser, not meaner. Yes?

grieving

My sponsee is drinking. My coven's place of power is a white mist. Yeah, this ain't the best day I've ever had. Not that its a complete surprise but the reality kinda sucks. I was too close to be his sponsor. Live and learn. What now? We shall see, won't we. I am a flip, sarcastic person. But, right now I don't feel flip or sarcastic. Just grieved. A saddness so deep it makes my heart hurt. I've shed my tears for him and for myself. Yep. Cried for what I did to me. Am I angry? I'm not sure yet, but I suspect so. I was too positive or too blind. Or both. No one ever said *don't* so the *I told you so* is only in my head. I feel abandoned. I've done everything I know how to do. Program wise, magic wise, nothing left but to breathe through it and know that nothing lasts forever. In A.A. speak...*This too shall pass.* But I shall know it well before it goes. That way, if we should meet again, I will recognise it.

sad - changes

I am sad. My coven is in a holding pattern. No rituals for the time being. I have my own and I have the public rituals...so far. I'm sure Andi will help with those, and Pandora. But, my one and only current covenmate is not someone I want to do ritaul with at the moment. It may be selfishness on my part...ritual mya be just what he needs. But, I am his sponsor and am getting a lot of shit on that side and I do not want to be the only one to hold it together anymore. So, it saddens me but it was my own doing. I may be goddess but I am not his higher power. He needs to connect with another entity for that. I am giving all I can. I know it sounds like whining, and it may be. But it is what it is. If anyone reads this and has a thought, let me know. I fell like I'm just being a bitch but, then, setting boundaries always makes me feel like that.

Hot!

I'm not the competitive type. I really don't want to break any records set nearly 100 years ago. Especially when they involve extremes of weather. Plus, I work in this school which is an historical landmark and this fact seems to somehow, play a part in why we don't have air conditioning. So, I have consumed some 200 ounces of water (over a gallon, I think). And I was the water police at school. Yes, you do need water. NO puking because of the heat. No, no, no!! Drink. And we went to the pool from 12-3 and ran in the sprinklers form 4-6. Teachers too. and there was no puking and all was well and wet. One more day. Thursday is supposed to be better.

And, now I can see in living colour! My monitor was having issues. Ya'll were hot pink! I don't even like hot pink. Now, I have a normal colour scheme. Such pretty colours and such variety.

Yesterday

Yesterday began MUCH earlier than I expected. 4am to be precise. My phone rang. It did indeed wake me up. It does not USUALLY ring at such an hour. So, I looked at the caller id and made the sinking decision to answer it. It was the young man I sponsor. 4 am phone calls are never good. Not as bad as I expected though. The *I've gone back out* call would have resulted in *Then call me when you're sober* but instead I heard an unintelligible string of and tears. Apparently, he went to a nasty place in his memory where his life was pretty much shit and he was being abused. Then to make it worse, he kept trying to tell himself it didn't really happen. Understandable, but not terribly useful. It was remarkably like talking to someone on acid. I was more than certain that he was still in whatever place he had gone to and couldn't get back yet. It was kinda scary. I briefly entertained the idea of driving to his house, but I knew he was not alone. Although what his lover thought of this turn of events is anyone's guess. He has not spoken of it. So, I talked to him until he seemed more lucid. And told him to eat and drink some water. Possibly not the most creative of ideas but it was 4 fucking o'clock in the morning.
So, being a somewhat normal person, I made some decisions (after having gone back to sleep until the sun was up) and did my sitting and went to yoga class and showered and called some folks before I made any attempt to talk to him again. My biggest concern is causing more harm. I had some people say things like *he's so damaged that you can't possibly cause more harm.* I don't believe that. If I reinforce what he has already learned from life then, I think I could actually do more harm. I don't think that being honest and expecting honesty from him is harmful. Painful for him, yes. But, harmful? No.
After I saw him and assured myself that he was this side of sane (just) I proceeded to get ready for our Lughnasadh Ritual. It was small and lovely. Not too sure my trance was the best, but, if nothing needs work, I'm ready for the grave. We had 2 new people and the old people. A woman who has been looking for Reclaiming in Pittsburgh for a year. We've been out there since 2003! Everything in its own time. Funny how we're so hard to find. I remember when I was looking and finding nothing. Cause there was nothing. So, we started something. Now, at least, there are folks to find. And we're listed on the website for crying out loud! We have contact numbers and email and a yahoo group that always answers queries. I know, cause I answer them. AND, we're listed on Witchvox as a group and events are listed. So, anyway, that's my rant.
And then, after the ritual we went out for coffee and I didn't get home til late. Now, it is today. Not quite such a crush of activites but plenty to do, nonethe less. So, I'm off to do stuff.

So, enough about other people. Where am I at? Well, I feel like I am sort of in an inbetween place. Or, maybe a jumping off place would be a better way of explaining it. Not that I'm not content with where I am, I am. But, I feel like a lot is happening that I can't actually put words to. Like I'm moving but I can't see where I'm going yet. Like walking while looking at your feet. I feel like I'm detecting movement but it is so subtle that the shift is not complete enough to be noticable yet. Like watching the sun set or clouds move on a windless day. And yet, some changes have shifted enough to be felt. But, unfortunately, I can not put them into words...but I want to. I'm very wordy. That's sone of the shifts. I am becoming more *careful* with my words. Not that I don't talk A LOT still, cause I do. But, I am more aware of my words and their impact. Even on me. And I've been craving, and taking time and space for myself. A lot of time and space. It must have been needed. I am still feeling the need for my own time and space. But, I really enjoyed coffee tonight and the prospect of ritual tomorrow. And next weekend. Tha's the payoff of time for me; I enjoy time with my friends so much more when I've given myself the time I need.
Weird post, I know.

shifting

Yesterday I was stuck in how painful it is to watch someone else in pain. Today, I am okay with the watching. This feels weird. Like I'm saying pain is okay. Which it is. Yesterday I was afraid I was doing harm to someone else by being uncompassionate. I was not. I listened, I was present, Iwas supportive. I want to be able to be more helpful. But since I do not know how what I can do must be enough. Or they must find different support elsewhere. I cannot sanction staying in the pain but I can honour being there.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to go with the chance that no one will read this and just write what is on my heart...cause otherwise my heart will explode!
I sponsor this kid in A.A. and he is working on his 4th step right now. It is a hugely painful process for anyone, but up close it is almost too much to watch. I can't help him really. This is his process and it is a painful one. The phone calls are so draining. He wants to be *let off the hook* and told he doesn't have to do this. But, that is not the case. This is where the magic meets the road. It is the beginning of a lifetime of work. The work becomes more familiar but I don't know that it becomes any easier. I guess the first time you do this from a place of honesty is the most painful. And there it is. I'm not sure he is doing this from a place of honesty. Yes, he wants the relief that will come from this process but he wants it without the work and the pain. It doesn't happen like that. Okay, he wants the easier, softer way. It does not exist. At least not an easier, softer way that will keep him sober and let him learn how to live at ease with himself. I am afraid he is playing games and just doing this because I said he needed to do something. I said, do a 4th step. But, I'm his sponsor, not his higher power. I feel lost and like I'm doing more harm thatn good. I suggested he get a new sponsor but he does not want to.
I did some divination over this and the result was a yes, you are helping. I don't see how. Perhaps my lesson in all of this is to learn patience with someone else's suffering while not actually being able to DO anything. Just be present for them. I wish I had a bandaid or an ice pack that would help his wounds but I do not. I am very afraid that he is not able to see himself honestly yet and therefore will not find the healing he is seeking. But, this too is something I cannot *fix*.

owie...but good

No one told me when I started yoga, oh 6-7 years ago, that it could be strenuous. See, at the time, I was convinced I was made of eggshells or some equally fragile substance. Well, I know that now. What I didn't know was that I didn't keep up on my own. Thought I did. Seemed pretty flexible. Well, WRONG!! So, owie. But its okay. I feel alive. And lighter. Not sure how that works. Must be an alignment thing. At least I understood what was going on. I hate being *the new kid* and having no idea what is happening. No, I'm not a control freak. (smirk)

Shadow Work

I am sponsoring a kid in A.A. He's on his 4th step. He had a moment of remorse at witchcamp because he didn't take the shadow path. He didn't need to. He's got shadow work of his own. Welcome to the world of raiths. Nightmares. No sleep. I remember. I know. He feels like he's the only person in the whole world who has such hard work to do. No one said it was easy. Just that it works. Its painful to watch and hard on my end too. But, at least, I can assure him that it DOES work. The shadows get different. One develops skills for working with them. They lay new patterns and become habit. Ways of working in the world and the innerworld. It will become more comfortable. Note, I did not say it gets any easier. But, knowing the pattern of work leading to ease of living with myself, I know the payoff is worth the effort. So, I watch and listen and tell him how it was with me. He freaks out. I listen. It's HARD! I know that. But it's worth the work!

Next will come the step wherein he will learn the meaning of some of his favourite words: integrity and *know my in all my parts*. See, in the next step, he must share his 4th step with another human being. It will be a step toward wholeness and REAL acceptance of ALL his parts. Those parts we want to take with us to the grave and never really SEE. They lose their power when confronted and spoken. Its like magic. Blessed be the Powers of Air. Building integrity and *knowing*.

Patterns

I think I see a pattern here. First something happens. It creates strong emotions. Mostly anger, resentment. Then, grief. Then there is movement. I find it interesting that emotions I would *think* would cause or allow movement just seem to cause or allow *spin*. In which one spins in the emotion and nothing much changes except sometimes things get broken. And then, in the waves of an emotion that I tend to think of as rather paralyzing, things begin to shift, and change, and happen. I like patterns.

Just for fun, how many can ya think of?

drum beat patterns: I'll stop there because these need no explanation.
colors
shapes
words
letters
life cycles
experiences (apparently)
sounds
numbers (but, of course)

Just thinkin'

The joints in my legs have mutinied. They now reside on that island with the descendants of HMS Bounty. I hope they are happy. This all took place because I decided I could jog 6 miles! What was I thinking?! Well, okay, in all honesty, I did walk some. But still. I don't know when my knees and the balls of my feet will forgive me. And I was wearing really good shoes. So...could this be obcession. I do think one could call it that. Note to self: MUST SET REALISTIC GOALS! Yeah, I will not be doing that again soon. But, I did do it, so, if ever it comes up in conversation, I am capable of such.

And then, there is that musing from yesterday. I have come to realize that I have to let other people have their process. Even if it is painful to watch. And it is. But from such threads the fabric of our lives are woven.

thoughts on coddling and compassion

So, I've been thinking lately about boundaries and compassiona and coddling. Now, for background, I am rather good at coddling. I am compassionate to a fault. I must stop myself from doing for others what they can do for themselves. This, for me, is a learned skill. As I get older, it becomes easier...I have less energy I am willing to devote to someone else's work. This is good all round. I have a mentoree who needs to be spoken to plain. He needs words unmixed with euphemism. These confuse and he runs off at a tangent and gets lost in the surrounding forest. It's not about the forest. He CAN see how his own behaviour works. He just gets tired when he realizes that he is the one who needs to do the work to change the things that keep him up at night and cranky in the day. I had a day, today when it was necessary to say many things in plain language. Being me, I try to find the kindest way to say them. There is no point in using the truth to wound people who are already bleeding. But, sometimes the method by which the wound can be healed is as painful as living with the infected wound. I know that. But, once the wound is treated, it can begin to heal. Look at the painful shit. Face it head on. He is trying. I am trying to hold my boundaries. I have a life that does not include him. I have practise that does not include him. (Although we share a coven.) It is not good if his pain bleeds into every part of my life. He asked me today, *How do I separate from people I know are sick and still keep the relationship?* Well, that's a good question. It takes a lot of work and on occasion talk and tears. Especially if that person is a room mate. And it may be that you need to make plans to move on. The relationship may be so sick that it is not a keeper. I've had a few of those myself. They are hard to stay in and hard to get out of. Getting out, I always wonder what got me started in the first place and what need kept me there until the sickness hit me like a brick? I have boundaries today that keep me in a place where I can set the limits for my life. No one will set them for me. I am the only one in charge of my self care. If I do the things that keep me healthy and sane I'll be on no use to anyone else. Or myself. I'm feeling okay with the things I said to him today. They were not easy but they were true. They were hard truths, but he asked the questions and as his mentor, I felt that speaking the plain truth so that it could be looked at was the best thing. He's been dancing around these issues for a long time. Months. If no one calls it what it is...it is called denial. Let's be honest. Let's look at this for what it really is. Then you can decide if you want to lance it and get the pus out or live with the infection. It was a hard day. I am emotionally exhausted. I was physically exhausted but I took a nap. That helped. Apparently, sleep helps us process difficult things. Stagnation or blindness can keep us awake. A deliberate ply by our subconscious to not see, not process, something we find scary? I'm just thinking, is all.

Ranting

Excuse me while I rant! I'm just annoyed at people not minding their own bloody business. See, how someone else chooses to live or behave is noy really my business unless it affects me personally! Otherwise it just sounds co-dependent and controling to me. And yes, it gets my back up when this happens. (it's not happening *to me* mind you. Just going on in a chat I've been having on another blog.) I have said my piece. I took a stand for everyone getting to have their own experience and therefore weaving their own life. Whether I would make those chioces or not. Just saying...

Life is like a day at the beach

My motto is Continuous Change and Infinite Possibilities but, I have a new one that has been helpful lately.
If you dive into the wave, it won't knock you over. Ya get just as wet, mind you. But ya don't get a nose full of salt water. Now, this too can be helpful, and cleansing, but then you need a tissue.
Just thinkin'.

This is nearly unheard of, but I have another post all in the same day. eblogger likes me today. Sometimes it won't let me in. So, I'll take advantage and post twice. I am very excited. I jogged today. I have not been able to jog in a few years. My knees would not take it. Well, I got some new shoes and I made an interesting little discovery while teaching my summer camp kids how to use a Skip It.
I discovered a way to put my feet down that was less jarring. Woo Hoo!

Okay, its official. My body does not appreciate beef or chicken. I do not like fish all that much...I almost never eat it. So, I am a vegetarian because my body insists. TMI? Something new to discover every day!

It rains

Ya know, I really like rain. I took the dogs for a walk in the rain this evening. It was that or no walk! I love the way the city smells in the rain. Not exactly fresh but fresher, and Seuss appreciates the coolness. He hate the heat; too much fur has he! Americans, in general, stay out of the rain way too much. Like we're gonna melt or something!

Too diverse for a title

Let's see, my brother is home and feeling better. He had to go in for a blood test today and again on Thursday. He apparently had a *near death experience* which may well be the case as he won't talk about it. He's not big on sharing the important stuff unless he is drunk which is not the case. So, as much as I would really like to get the scoop, I'll wait until he is ready. Not that I haven't asked. He's just not talkin'. He is on five different medications. Not sure what they all do but one is a blood thinner.

On the garden front, I have finally made it down to the alley in my task of getting the ivy trimmed on the rock walls. Pruned a bunch of stuff and pulled some tenacious weedy vine. I did so not plant that!

I put myself back on sublingual B complex when I realized that the subtle symptoms of deficiency were coming back. This is not self medication. I had blood tests to prove it. Cause I would never have assumed I had a vitamin deficiency. This is 2006! Not 1900! Well, then it was something like 2002 but still.... The symptoms are so sneaky. Like I'm worried about everything and I have no memory and I'm just not right; just mildly sad in an all the time sucks up all one's energy kind of way. Everything annoys me, I can't cope with anything and it doesn't come up in the usual lists of symptoms but I feel sick. And my sleep patterns shift to where I don't sleep well and wake up tired. I actually woke up before my alarm went off today...and it goes off at 5 am.

There isn't anything really important in this post. I'm just feeling grateful for health and sleep and joy.

Bob update

Bob has been moved to a room now. He is in pain but they are managing that well. Mum has come round to the idea that cumiden and alcohol won't mix well for life. So, that at least is a relief. I am not doing very well with all of this. The walls that my family has built around Bob and his behaviour make me very uncomfortable and when I speak honestly about the situation I get told to stop *yelling* at people. Really, I'n not yelling. I'm just giving voice to things they don't want to hear. I know this is stressfull for everyone but I just wish that one person in my family could be supportive without being *Mary Sunshine* or *Mr. Doom and Gloom* . Neither is very helpful and so unbalanced. Can we not just say how we feel and not have to drag along all the old crap from our childhoods? Apparently not!

Bob update

Bob has been moved to a room now. He is in pain but they are managing that well. Mum has come round to the idea that cumiden and alcohol won't mix well for life. So, that at least is a relief. I am not doing very well with all of this. The walls that my family has built around Bob and his behaviour make me very uncomfortable and when I speak honestly about the situation I get told to stop *yelling* at people. Really, I'n not yelling. I'm just giving voice to things they don't want to hear. I know this is stressfull for everyone but I just wish that one person in my family could be supportive without being *Mary Sunshine* or *Mr. Doom and Gloom* . Neither is very helpful and so unbalanced. Can we not just say how we feel and not have to drag along all the old crap from our childhoods? Apparently not!

not unexpected

My brother has finally managed to abuse his body to the point that it has revolted. He is now in the intensive care unit at AGH. He has a blood clot in his lung. Well, from what I understand, not exactly IN his lung, it is at the opening to his lung where the artery going into the lung feeds in the blood. Hence, breathing is painful. And there are many complications that COULD occur. So far, he is resting and has not, as far as I know caused the ICU to explode with his withdrawl from alcohol. I am sure they can cope with this should it occur. He is on an IV blood thinner and when they send him home he will be on an oral blood thinner. I am hoping that he will chhose not to drink on the blood thinner or die quickly. I know how that sounds but that is just how I feel at the moment. His lifestyle is the cause of the malady...sitting around on the couch 24/7 and drinking and smoking. I have a hard time understanding how someone can sit around so much and sleep so much after the first few months of life. And we see where this leads. Blood clots at 40.
The dogs and I have taken to dubbing our walks the clot preventing walk.
More later if therre is anything to tell. My Dad and Mona Rae are going over to see him at 2 (restricted visiting and all) and this too could explode the ICU so, I'll keep ya posted.

moves and new skills

Well, I've been quite busy lately. Aside from trying to figure out what magic spell is required for blogger to let me into this page...which apparently is quite the long drawn out process...

I moved my ritual room from downstairs where the t.v. blares and the people walk through (comment: Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you...) upstairs in the room that the unpleasant houseguests (more later) have vacated. It was thoroughly cleansed physically and spiritually and then I set about lugging the furniture and bric-a-brac and all the oddments I have managed to collect over the years up the steps. Laundry baskets have a multitude of uses. I had much joy and creative fun arranging everything. The old room grew in an unplanned organic process (read messy) and there were things in there that I just had no place else for...but no use for in ritual. So, the new room was a clean slate. Everything has a purpose and a place - for now. I tend toward chaos so this neatness may be quite temporary. I made discoveries in the trunk wherein I store much of my "stuff" and found things I had made years ago and thought they were junk at the time. But, given that I had put such effort into them (you see why I tend toward chaos) I saved them. Some of them actually ended up on the walls. There was a brief discussion of painting the walls with Goddess symbols. I'm not too sure I want to do that. I'm not really the best at painting freehand and I don't think they sell the kind of stenclis we would need at the local home improvement store. So, that is on hold until I meet an artist who would like to create. They used to have traveling mural painters in the Victorian era...hmmm.

We had our last Elements of magic class...where we actually teach something...and it was quite a good one. I was a little worried as the Fire class kinda fell flat. Students who insist they can't sense energy.... So, I wasn't holding out much hope for Center which I have always found to to far more difficult to pin down than energy. But, the Goddess of Communication was with us and we were quite pleased with the discussion and the exercises. We told the story of Stone Soup and we all brought something to put in the soup we made. It was good. Better later probably, but Chris doesn't save stuff like that??? So, anyway, we also tried a two voice trance. Unplanned as to what would be said exactly...had an idea, of course, but not anything written down. And as shushed Chris when he started drumming...I didn't mean he should stop just not so loud...but he stopped. And he started doing what I had sone during the May Day trance. A kind of back voice. It worked awsomely well. Or so we were told by the students. I was more impressed with not having written anything down, just knew where we were trying to go. And we didn't get lost and I remembered to include a bit about the trance is over now, come back to your body when you're ready sort of thing. Lovely.

And then there was that annoying little feeling that I should go up and try to get the attic back in order. See when my unpleasant houseguests arrived they put all the stuff from that room up in the attic. A trap door sort of entrance. And I knew that the stuff was all right around the door and it wouldn't open or close properly. So, last Sunday, as the rain came down, I went up into the attic. Well, I began to move the pile of stuff from around the door and realized that they had quite literally thrown this stuff up here. I sorted through it and bagged stuff to give away and stuff to continue to keep (Might as well get that done at the same time. No point in just moving it from place to place repeatedly.) While trying to get to the bottom of the pile, I had to sort my way through all the stuff that was on the floor everywhere...there was no floor space on which to walk without being in constant danger of twisting an ankle. I quickly realized that they had gone through everything in my attic. Bags of clothes torn open and strewn around on the floor, quilt my great grandmother made on the floor (the only reason it is not is use is because it is too fragile to be cleaned, it was stored in a plastic quilt bag), toys and games all over the place and the boxes they were in broken, photographs, dishes, you name it, it was pulled out and left in the middle of the floor. A mess! And then I discovered my Christmas ornaments! Each box had been meticulously packed and labeled with content and *antique very fragile*, *fragile*, or *unbreakable* according to whether it was or not. I know because I did that. Some of these ornaments belonged to my great grandparents. Some were my grandparents and some were my parents. A few were mine. The boxes had all been moved, broken and piled up in a very unstable fashion. And dangerous too. See, I had placed the boxes in order of use. If I don't use them, they were in the back, if I do they were in the front. They were also piled according to sturdiness, unbreakable on the bottom, fragile and then antique fragile on top. They were not only not piled like that any more, the boxes were broken (those ream of paper boxes with the lids that fit so nice) and not on or on the wrong box, boxes half inside of other boxes. I cannot give word to the mayhem although I am trying. I am not finished with the process of resorting all the ornaments but the other stuff is done. For the ornaments I need to get new boxes. I was furious! No boundaries at all. No wonder they are unhappy. I would be unhappy too if I had no boundaries and thought no one else did either. What exactly did they think they were doing? Well, it is over and the pieces are still being picked up. I am an active learner. The Multiverse must want to be absolutely certain I have learned this lesson to the piont that I will NEVER FORGET!

Just as a little aside, I heard a t.v. ad the other day that said "if you know someone who suffers from death" call this attorney. "Suffers from death"?? I thought that was really funny. I'll have to inquire of my friends and acquaitances and see if any of them are suffering from death. I know just where they can go to sue someone over this outrage.

Just Blathering

Well, since it is unlikely that anyone will read this...I'll just take the opportunity to go on about some things that are running around in my head. Things like this...we (me and my co-teacher) have been teching an Elements of Magic class. It has been an interesting experience. I have learned a lot about how to verbalize what I do. That has always been hard for me. Strange, as I am quite articulate most of the time. Our class has two students. How's that for ratio? And one of them has been to as many Elements classes as a student as I have. I did learn that she never made it to all the classes in them though. Well, that brings me to my rant. She asked us to cancel or move the class last week as she was going out of town. Well it turned out that the class could not be moved as she had not given us enough time...she was leaving on Wednesday, it was Monday and I was busy Tuesday. So, we canceled the class. We held that class today. And then, as it turns out, she wanted us to change or move next week's class as well. It just didn't fit into my schedule and would have had to be postponed until the beginning of July! I said no! I am finding this a draining endeavor. I do not want to continue the drain. We need to finish this class. So, we are going to carry on without her. Our remaining student will plan the final ritual and we will give him whatever assisstance he needs.

What leads people to think that the world revolves around them? We accomodated her once. Did that lead her to believe that we would continue to set our schedule around her? We made the dates clear and everyone knew when the classes were. We all arranged our schedules with this in mind. I even missed a friend's bridal shower because it conflicted with class. So, not going to rearrange any further. Class will be at the same bat time, same bat channel as usual!